But on to my revelation. Before you can understand what I feel like I have learned there are a couple of verses and quotes that I think I should probably share.
-[Christianity] is a relligion you could not have guessed. If it offered us just the kind of universe we had always expected, I should feel we were making it up. It has just that queer twist about it that real things have. So let us leave behind all these boys’ philosophies–these over-simple answers. The problem is not simple and the answer is not going to be simple either.
(C.S. Lewis/ “Mere Christianity”)
-I am not, in my natural state, nearly so much of a person as I like to believe: most of what I call “me” can be very easily explained. It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His Personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.
(C.S. Lewis/ “Mere Christianity”)
-I am taking seriously who God says I am. The point isn’t my failure; it is God’s success in remaking me into the person He originally intended me to be.
(Rob Bell/ “Velvet Elvis”)
-I pray that Christ will make his home in your hearts through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in live, so that you, together all God’s people may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ’s love. Yes may you come to know his love–although it can never be fully known– and so be completely filled with the very nature of God. To him who by means of his power working in us is able to do imeasurably more than we can ever ask for or even think of.
(Ephesians 3:17-20)
-I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring about the future you hope for.
(Jeremiah 29:11)
Keep in mind all these verses and quotes as I attempt to explain what God has put in my head. I was journaling, as I very often try to do, when it hit me, this is the entry that I made.
Why am I wasting my time trying so hard to be great in this world, when what I should really be focusing on is so much greater than what I know. These past few weeks have been some of the most confusing in my life, questioning every aspect of my life from my career choice and my education to the relationships that mean the most to me.
Before and actually for quite some time, it seems like I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong things; its almost like I am in this box and havn’t figured out how to get out of it. I am trapped in my own life and I know that my purpose is a lot more than I could ever even begin to imagine. I am not meant to live my life in this box of rules and conformity in society, I have no desire to live the “white picket fence” life.
I know that I am more than this world has to offer; God is preparing me for greatness and I think that if I give my whole self and devote my whole life into letting Him prepare me for my purpose and my REAL life, then maybe I can finally feel like myself, like I am in the right place at the right time, doing what I am meant to do. I think the only thing I can do is follow His lead and know that He will lead me to my true place in this world, and only then will I really be at home.
Its a little bit funny, I have never fit in with the crowd or with this world for that matter. Its always like I don’t feel like I fit, like I am where I belong; maybe its because I don’t, I am only waiting for the time when I can let my true self lead the way and be unleashed and honestly I don’t think that that will happen on this earth. I think I am here to be trained and when Jesus feels like I am ready, then he will take me to His Father so that I may get signed off to start my real life.
In that sense, I have to grab every opportunity that I have, and not be weighed by the finite things in this earth that take me off the road to the self that God has created me as; but at the same time I have to try to grasp all that this earth has to offer me in the way of guidance towards that self so that when I am taken I will be ready.
To let go, I must first realize that everything in my life is happening for a reason and is a part of the path that God has laid out. Some things in my life I know I need to let go of including the grudges I hold towards people who have brought pain into my life and my need to be in control of everything and needing to know where every step is taking me. These of course are not the only aspects of my life that I need to let go of, but I feel like these are the biggests “downers” in my life; the things that cause me the most stress and anxiety. Apart from all that needs to be sacrificed, there are pieces of my life that I am so confused and so uncertain about. This is a lot of what I am struggling with lately and where the “let God” part comes in.
I have found, as you know from last week, that I am a planner and I am very impatient. I have to know how everything in my life is going to work out in the future now, and to do that I plan out scenarios and go with the plan that I think is most pleasing to God and go for it. BIG PROBLEM!!! My life is not mine to control and I always forget that my life is going to change. In “Screwtape Letters” C.S. Lewis says “As spirits [humans] belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change”. My life is constantly going to change and I have no idea what it will change into or what God will put in my heart next. But I know that I can always rely on God to put those changes in my life and to guide me through them. So I wonder, why am I so concerned with the future that has already been planned out for me? I can’t make it come faster and I don’t want to make it different, so I just need to be patient and wait for the solutions to come and for God to give me guidance, which will be on His time, not mine. Patience is something that is very difficult for me, but I need it in order to live according to God’s will. Everything will work itself out on God’s time. Thus my prayer to let go and let God.
