I feel right now like I am clashing between realities;
between what has been real for me for the past seven months and the reality of
going home to a completely new reality.
We were at church on Sunday and the pastor mentioned something about how
we had been gone from home for seven months and it was in that moment that I had
the realization of where life had taken me.
The life that I have been living is almost like a different world and
soon, very soon I will be reentering the world that I have known my whole life,
but I know that I see the world now with different eyes and I know that going
back to “normal” will never be quite the same.
I almost feel like time has frozen and that when I come back home things
will be just as they were, like I put the pause button on my life in America
and when I return I will press play and everything will be as before; but I
know that this is not true. It is hard
for me to grasp the idea that life is still in motion, especially when these
separate worlds are so different. I have
kept in touch with several people and hearing about how they are moving along
with their lives and how things are changing with them; they are living in
different places, dating new people, growing up, you know living life. It’s hard for me to imagine that when I come
home things will be different than when I left.
It’s exciting in a way but if we are being honest I am a bit terrified
of stepping back into a life that has become somewhat unfamiliar.
At the beginning of my time in Africa,
God gave me a vision of the person that I was to become from this trip. I remember expressing to God the
impossibility of me becoming this person and He reminded me that it would not
be by my own efforts but by His grace that I would step into this new self. I look at myself today with only a little
over a week left on this trip and I stand in awe before God with this
transformation within me. I see that
every day I take one step closer to becoming this person that God has called me
to be and He is truly preparing me for greatness. My fear in this is that when I step back into
a reality where I know only the identity of my past, I will fall back into that
role and I will fail to live my life worthy of the calling that God has put on
me. But in sitting with God this week
and simply being still in His presence, He has really spoken a lot of truth
into me. I was reminded that “It is by
God’s grace that [I] have been saved through faith. It is not the result of [my] own efforts but
God’s gift, so that no one can boast about it.
God has made [me] what [I am], and in [my] union with Christ Jesus he
has created [me] for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for
[me] to do” (Ephesians 2:8-10) and “I have been crucified with Christ and I no
longer live, but Christ lives in me” (Galatians 2:20). I am not who I was, and it has not been by my
own efforts but it has been by God transforming my inner self. By the grace of God, I can walk in confidence
knowing that this change in me is not temporary; for it is ingrained in my
heart and it is who I am. In dying to
myself, I have taken on the identity of Christ eternally and by faith I can
rest assured that because it was nothing that I did to become who I am, nothing
that I do can will destroy this new self.
And what is really cool is that God has already anointed me with a
purpose and He has already prepared for me this life of a higher calling,
meaning that there is nothing I can do to change my destiny. God is with me wherever I go because He is in
me and in this I have courage and strength to face all things.
But this journey is not yet over. I still have a week left in Africa
and even then, this is only the end of the beginning. In my final days I am making every effort to
make the most of what little time that I have left here and in seeking God’s
will for this upcoming transition, I admit that I am all over the place. But in all the craziness of these two worlds
colliding I find myself remembering in Hebrews when it says “[L]et us run with
perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer
and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:1-2).
This adventure has been long but I still have the last stretch that I
want to run full force to the finish line; but, it is only in faith that I move
forward, trying my best to take full advantage of every situation. One thing I must remember is that this faith
that I live by is my strength and Jesus is the source of my faith and so to
really grasp every ounce of the realities of both my clashing worlds and to be
able to run through with any kind of endurance, my eyes must be fixed on the
source of my strength. My eyes must be
fixed not on my fears, my surroundings, or any other distractions, but on the
will of God which is made perfect through Christ. If my eyes are fully fixed on Him, what have
I to fear? Come what may, in either
reality, for I am certain that wherever I go “by God’s grace I am what I am,
and the grace that he gave me was not without effect” (1Corinthians 15:10) and
I can rest assured that He will be with me wherever I go. Things will never be the same going home, but
then I find myself asking, would I want them to be? sdf
